It’s been a while since I’ve put fingers to keyboard, pen to paper, found the words … so I’ll probably be a little rusty, but I found myself compelled today, for the first time in almost two years, to write. I’ve had writer’s block for a while. I didn’t think it was a real thing until I attempted to write day after day, month after month, and couldn’t.
By the grace of God, I found a reason to write today. I wanted to address what so many of us are feeling but maybe not speaking on.
Everywhere we look, we see opinions about this, rumors about that … and no one ever asks to just see how people are doing. COVID has ruined lives this year, and not just because of the infection itself, but because of all the harm it’s caused to businesses, jobs, mental health, spirituality. It’s made me question my faith, question my purpose, and question why I do what I do.
And that’s what I find myself writing about.
Why did I do the things I did prior to COVID? Why did I put so much of my self-worth on what I made monetarily? Why did I seek so much of my value in other people? Why did I focus so much on work and turn my back on so many relationships? Why did I not socialize when I had the opportunity? Why did I avoid going to the places I thought I enjoyed when I had the chance?
Although COVID has been a nightmare, I’ve always tried to find the good in the bad. I believe, even now, that everything happens for a reason … so what on earth could be the reason behind everything I’m growing through now?
Maybe for all of us to regain focus? To realign with source-energy? To have a newfound love for earth? To have more faith in God? To listen to our partners? To play with our animals? To spend time with our kids? …
We, as a people, all tend to focus on the bad. Every news channel focuses on the drudgery of the world. Every social media account focuses on the façade and self-image many of us long for. TV and Radio with their political ads degrading the other. I don’t mean for this to be political or be insensitive to anyone who lost someone to COVID, I’m just saying maybe we should look on the bright side once in a while and see how this time in solitude was maybe not about becoming more of what we were, but more about unbecoming everything we thought we were, everything we thought we knew, everything we thought we needed.
Maybe it was about finding ourselves in a time where everything we see and hear tells us who we need to be instead of who we were born to be.
I think the manifestations I’ve had are because I needed to have a stronger relationship with God. Whatever you believe in, more power to ya, but I believe in God. And I think there’s a saying … “Want to hear a funny story? … Tell God your plans!” … Well, I did that.
I am a planner by nature, so I surely told God all my plans. While those plans may be valid in His eyes … they were being planned on my timing, not on His. I learned that many of us were so caught up in the surface life, that we forgot what is most important.
In my life, COVID took everything from me … or so I thought. Even though I lost what felt like so much, I was actually left with so much more.
I lost my career (temporarily), but gained back my time. I lost a lot of money, but gained back my faith. I lost a place I called home, but found a new one in human form. I lost a lot of material things, but got to declutter and give to others. While the money may have dwindled, not a single bill ever went unpaid . While I no longer had cupboards, I never missed a single meal. While I didn’t have a job, I worked daily on myself. While I no longer traveled the country, sleeping in fancy hotels, I got to be present in my local surroundings, with the people I call family, and in my own bed each night, next to the man that I love.
Everything we do, everything we experience, every person we encounter—the meetings require perspective.
If I would’ve continued on the path that I was on, even though I thought it was for good for me at the time, I would’ve woken up 5 or 10 years later, 35 or 40, with nothing but my cats and money. That may not sound bad to some, (HaHa) but it wasn’t what I wanted and isn’t what I want now. I like the saying, “Some people are so rich, all they have is money.” … That was me. Or at least, what I felt like internally. But fortunately, God stepped in.
I think when we spend so much time focusing on the surface driven, mostly unimportant things, God will do everything in his power to shake us until we move. He shook me. He challenged me. And he made me believe that even in my darkest, even in the scariest of times, He will come through for me.
I don’t know much, and I never claim to be an expert, but I do believe with every storm, we will see light. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder for it.
So if you’re feeling down for all you’ve lost during this time, uncertain about what’s ahead, and unsure of what to do, I want to first tell you that you’re not alone … and more importantly, I want to discourage you from focusing on what you lost, and instead encourage you to look at all you’ve gained.
Find something in this moment to be grateful for. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know that sometimes unanswered prayers are some of the greatest gifts, and every once in a while, we need to cancel our plans, pour a glass of wine, pull up our hair, cry a little, pray a lot … and just go with it.