This is something I’ve always struggled with … trust.
See, I’ve gone through a lot emotionally when it comes to trusting people, and that’s not to say no one else has … it’s not to act like my situation is worse than anyone else’s, because honestly, I have a pretty nice life.
But something I struggle with that I’ve really had to adapt to handling through the years is trust and transferring my energies to positive thoughts in order to be patient and have trust.
My family was betrayed when I was in middle school by someone they truly trusted. This put a huge financial burden on my family and caused me to question everyone they did business with … this is why I want to be my own boss. In 10th grade, I was betrayed by someone in my family and this put me in probably one the deepest depressions I had ever experienced and is probably one of the main reasons I have trust issues today … This is why I will never depend on a man. And again, in my late teens, early twenties, I was betrayed by a handful of people I thought I could truly trust and who I thought were truly loyal to me … this is why I keep to myself.
The problem, though, was not what the betrayal was nor was it about the people who did the betraying, but rather, what the betrayal did.
It put me in a position to be an overachiever … to always strive to be number one. It put me in a position to focus on myself ... in a position to have my own back at all times. It caused me to put a wall up when it comes to building friendships with people and put me in a position to act crazy in nearly every romantic relationship I enter. It caused me to be overly ambitious and overly eager about so many things because, what betrayal did to me, was it put me in a stupor … It put me in a cage. It broke me down. It made me realize things about myself that I didn’t know existed, both bad and good. It put me in such a dark place that as I got older, I vowed to never let myself go back to that ever again and instead, act so f-ing happy all the time until I could convince myself I was happy and now, I am happy. I used positive reinforcement to change my thoughts and it worked.
Before that, though, there was a pattern I subjected myself to and it was difficult sometimes … to be with people and be normal when deep inside, I had this anxiety that comes from fear of not being enough … not having enough … not knowing enough … not performing enough.
But what I've learned in my mid-twenties is that faith and energy are really the only answers to having trust. When you have a relationship with God, you put your problems in his hands. You say a prayer and that’s it. It’s going to be handled and you can stop worrying. When you’re a person of faith, you can know that no matter what hardships you’re going through, it will work out. It will be better. It will be right and just. And in that moment, when you let your worries go, you can transfer your thoughts to something more positive.
I was told by mother to never depend on anyone because when someone has control over you, whether as your partner, your boss, your friend, whatever, they have the power … they are the hand that feeds you. So, for me, I put that dependence on God and only God. I let my ambition come from never needing to depend on anyone but Him. I have a different fire inside because of what I’ve been through and so do many people out there.
Whether it was a battered home life, a situation where you were abandoned, a job that let you go, a drug that took over your life … whatever your problems are … that’s where your ambition lies.
The key is being able to make those ambitions positive … to transfer those energies to GOOD vibes. And you do that by having a better relationship with God, by having faith and by focusing on your own well-being and future.
When you can transfer your energy and have faith, you will gain patience and patience truly is a virtue. If you can be patient in times of uncertainty and discomfort then you’ve won the battle. Patience is so difficult to maintain when anxieties kick in, but when you’re surrounded by the right people … in the right environment … by God … you will be OK. You will have all good come to you.
So for now, relax. Go for a walk. Listen to happy music. Read a book. Color. (One of the greatest gifts I received this Christmas from someone so SO special to me was an adult, keepsake coloring book designed to help people with anxiety.) Cook. Bake. Run. Lift. Draw. Watch a funny video on YouTube. Do something productive to keep your mind busy … but … only after you pray. Pray about it. Ask God to help you through this difficult time with guidance. Ask him to bring you peace and to help you be patient. And after that, believe that He will come through for you.
I’m not a preacher, but I’ve seen darkness and I’ve seen others experience darkness. There is no greater power than believing in something. If you don’t believe in God, then believe in yourself to have the strength to get through whatever it is you’re going through. Transfer your energies. Relax. And Smile. Life could always be worse.
