Don’t Beg For It.

It’s no secret that we all have battles no one knows anything about. Whether it’s a personal battle with trust issues and insecurities or battles with success and feeling self-worth, it all sort of comes down to our mental strength and how we cope … how we deal … how well we’ve adapted to change.

For someone who has spent years analyzing and thinking, particularly about boys and men and relationships, you’d think I’d have it all figured out. But even now, years after the damage has done what it was meant to do, (I’m assuming, make me seem like a crazy, sociopath who falls for every Tom, Dick and Harry only to start over again and again and again), I’m left questioning nearly every relationship in my life, both romantic and platonic, but mostly romantic.  I’ve certainly come a long way, but every now and again, when I have time on my hands, I regress. I think back to where I was years ago and how underdeveloped my character was and my, oh my, was I hot mess!?

I used to think if I was the best at everything—loving, fighting, arguing, cooking, baking, nurturing, etc.—my man would never leave me. I thought that if had control over every situation in my life, I’d be able to fix the outcome. Felt like if I set up the circumstances to work how I thought they needed to be, everything would be A-O-K and work out for the best. Ummm … Negative!

I learned the hard way that when it comes to life, sometimes ya just gotta say f-it, let go, and let God. What’s the saying – “Want to hear a funny joke? Tell God your plans?” –Well, that certainly is the way life goes, isn’t it? You think you have life all planned out and then the Universe springs some obstacle on you to go and switch up the fairytale ending.

Well, after a long period of time spent in solitude, I’ve learned that these obstacles are actually chances … they’re opportunities in disguise designed to challenge you and test your strength, self-worth and wisdom, all for the better.

Seems funky, I know, but think about this … We invest so much time in half-ass relationships, involve ourselves deeply with the wrong-doers, go through the process of the dramatic, emotional episodes to get broken down so low, where we come to experience long periods of darkness … my question is why? … What if, instead, we recognized a rat when we saw em’ and just opted out. Just let go of the people who don’t make us better? Think of all the time we’d have to love the people who love us if we didn’t spend time trying to convince the ones who don’t …  

We should take what we’ve learned from our past, use the new obstacles we face as a chance to do it right this time (and might I add, sooner this time), so that we don’t ever have to experience the exhaustion of proving ourselves to people who are unnecessary.

So, for the spiritual lover girls out there who read literature as a means of escape and/or positive affirmations to feel like a champ, I’ve compiled some messages that have helped remind me that sometimes, no matter how awesome you are and how controlled things may seem, you can’t please everyone. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the pie, but you’ll still find someone who doesn’t like peaches or pie. BUT … when you’re faced with a chance … and need some help on which way to turn, you can be reminded first, that you aren’t alone, and second, of all of the following:

While you may not be perfect, you’re perfect for someone.
Someone out there will love every flaw you possess, will live with every nerve you hit and will want to be a part of all the disastrous pieces that make up who you are. Don’t settle for someone who criticizes your every move and breaks you down. Pet peeve-picking is a part of flirting … if he’s being nit-picky once in a while, thank him, take his suggestions into consideration and deal. But if he’s diminishing your character, have the courage to move forward without him. There is someone out there who will accept every piece of you and won’t want to change a single thing. Wait for him.

A good man will recognize a good woman without her having to beg him to do so.
The minute you have to prove your worth to someone is the exact minute you should trust your gut and walk away. When a man wants you, he will pursue you. He will do whatever he needs to get you and you won’t have to feel like a piece of poo during the process. Effort is a reflection of interest. If he’s interested, he’ll show you.

Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Men don’t think … point, blank, period … so don’t overanalyze. The smallest things that we think mean something bigger, like the kiss-face emojis with the red heart, mean little to nothing to guys. We’ll sit here thinking something is wrong because he didn’t say “Babe” at the end of his text message when in reality, he is driving and is typing with one finger. Don’t sweat the small stuff because the small stuff, more often than not, is what ruins the relationship. The big things, like goal setting, dream chasing and house hunting are what life partners are meant for. All the other stuff is irrelevant. If you can’t build together, get out. But if you’re just being touchy, take a chill pill. Nine times out of ten, boyfriend didn’t think.

The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.
Sometimes people are loyal to their need of you. When their needs change, so does their loyalty. Don’t play the fool. Let him go. Let him be on his way. Don’t invest more time in someone who has no intentions of building with you. Otherwise, you’ll be left exhausted. If he doesn’t go the extra mile to make you feel special, stop being so dang giving.

No matter how good of a woman you are, you will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.
That’s just life … You can’t raise a man. If he’s in his early 20s and he’s playing games, give him a few years. If he’s in his late 30s playing games, give him a boot! You can’t put a time frame on falling in love, but you can certainly put a time frame on time, if that makes sense. Broken down: Why waste the short years you have hoping and wishing for someone to wake up and want to be with you!? There are plenty more fish in the sea who are ready or soon will be ready and won’t make you question your self-worth in the meantime.

Never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary.
Don’t do it. Don’t settle. Don’t be the one who is with someone just because. When people want a relationship, they often just jump into anything. Why? Why be with someone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re on top of the world? Who doesn’t fulfill your every need? Seems like a waste if it’s just ordinary. Don’t fall victim to the race.

If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.
Seriously, honey. Don’t chase people. Do you. Let them reap what they sew. If they step out or think the grass is greener, by all means, let them go indefinitely. You should never have to lower your standards or beg for him to stay. If he willingly walks out the door, willingly lock it.

What he won’t do, someone else will.
Make no mistake, this goes both ways. A man can find just about any female to sleep with him, fold his laundry and cook him some food … women try to be wifey on day one nowadays, but, what a man won’t always find is a backbone … a partner … a real women with great qualities who can connect emotionally, be a future mother to his children, do all of the above and then some … something that every trifling female can’t always live up to. For a woman, though, it takes a certain level of security and commitment to be happy. What men may forget is they’re the hunters, for the most part. So, while we are off the market, we don’t give in to the hunting. The minute we’re back on the market, we’re prey. If he doesn’t want to give you reassurance for everything you do and what you have to offer, you can take your skillset and French toast making skills somewhere else … to someone who texts you throughout the day just to tell you you’re pretty and who saves you the last no-bake. You don’t need to beg, sweetheart and if you do, that’s your indication that he ain’t the one!

A great relationship is about two things: first, find out the similarities, second, respect the differences.
Respect is key. You’ve gotta respect each other’s time, differences, insecurities … EVERYTHING. And whatever is similar should be a breeze. Run with it.

You’ll know when a relationship is right for you. It will enhance your life, not complicate it.
If the relationship isn’t making you better then you’re in the wrong relationship. When it comes to the right one, he should help make you the best version of who you are and vice a versa. If it’s “complicated”, why bother?

We all have one main goal in life … to love and be loved in return and if we woke up every day with the intention to love instead of doubt, we’d live in a much happier place. Have faith in your journey that all scenarios are meant to be a chance. What you do with that chance is up to you, but the quicker you make the change to overcome the difficulty you may be facing, the sooner you find happiness and real love, which is the ultimate goal … right?

Be wise enough to go after the things that make you feel whole by not wasting any more time thinking about the things that make you feel so small, pursuing the people who make you feel alone and entering the relationships that have no future. Remember, time waits for no man … and neither does a good woman. Go be the woman a man needs instead of the one who thinks she needs a man.