Ever hear about the 90 day rule? If not, let me refresh you.
So, the 90-day rule is when you wait 90 days to get intimate with the person you are dating/talking to/thinking of/whatever we call it in 2015. Intimacy can be a variation of things--talking deep, sharing secrets, kissing, touching, etc.--anything that involves giving up a piece of YOU, your preciousness, your body or your heart to someone else.
The idea of waiting 90 days to be intimate with someone may seem like no big deal to a real, classy, secretive lady or, it may seem like the end of the world to a freak-a-leek go-getter. So let me first say that this post is not to offend anyone, accuse anyone of being a floozy or to claim that I am an innocent being or a loosey goosey, depending on your take. This post is to take a common thing totally related to the way relationships have evolved and breakdown the 90 day rule, what it means, why it’s important and what it does for you.
Let’s first recognize the fact that we all do things we regret when it comes to our feelings … snap revealing selfies, screen shot texts from an ex, show up to your man’s work to call him out about his lies … We all have been crazy, done the over-the-top, THOTful and quite regretful things on occasion … no? Just me? … Oh …
Regardless of how perfect YOU may have acted, I have acted quite rebellious on occasion, and I have done things I am ashamed of when it comes to relationships and messing with my heart and my feelings. But what’s a life without lessons? Experiences? Learning? That’s what living is all about … learning from the douche bags who use you so you can appreciate the king who woos you.
Over the past two years, I’ve been dating multiple men. I know what you’re thinking—What a skeeze! O-M-G!
No, that’s not what I mean by dating multiple men. I mean, I have, for the past two years, gone to dinner, movies, shopping, concerts, played ping pong, pet puppies, held hands, hugged, rode bikes, spent holidays with, truly DATED a TON of guys. Not prince charming kind of dating where they sweep you off your feet and buy you diamonds, but normal, chill, go with the flow, friendly, chick-fil-A eating, ice cream tasting, nonchalant dating … what DATING actually means … not this “talking” garbage we speak of today where dudes “talk” to you and “talk” to everyone else until they “hook up” and then you never talk ever again in any form. Ever. You get blocked. Deleted. Unfollowed. Unfriended. Untalked? … yeah I like that ... You get untalked to ... Because the whole time YOU thought you were just communicating to get to know one another (what talking actually means) homeboy was just trying to cop a feel, thinking because he held your attention for a few weeks, he’s entitled to the cookie.
Ok, first off, I want to say, do not feel guilty if that’s where you currently are in life. It’s a phase for most and a lifestyle for some, but if that’s what you like—dating multiple guys, hooking up here and there, doing the whole "go with the flow" type of dating—whether short-term or forever--that’s great. Keep doing it. Keep living, but be sure he is aware that's what your after, too, so that no one gets hurt. The no-care-in-the-world attitude with the free life can be fun and can teach you SO MUCH!
But if you’re someone like me, who certainly appreciates that live-free type of relationship, but truly VALUES a companionship, and partnership to build a future and an empire and a life with … do not, I repeat, do not give up the cookie.
I’m not saying giving up the cookie means your fakelationship won’t last, I’m just saying, it probably won’t last … depending on where you are in life. Everyone is different, so let me explain.
I have been with men from all walks of life—by been with, I mean interacted with—from the wannabe thug schoolboy who obsesses over Jordan's to the rich, entrepreneur with the Maserati and a penthouse—and let me tell you, they all have ONE thing in common … They all want the cookie. Your cookie. Her cookie. Sometimes his cookie and his cookie’s cookie. But mostly, your and her cookie.
Well, I like cookies. They’re my favorite, and hardly ever will you find me share my cookie with just anyone and that’s what ladies need to think about the next time baby boy expects you to give in. How much do you love your cookie? That warm, ooey gooey late at night when you're creeping into the kitchen in your fuzzy socks … tastes so good, right? You don’t share that cookie with just anyone. That is YOUR cookie. So when you find a man who loves his cookies just as much as you love yours, THEN you can consider sharing the cookie. Until then, keep the cookie in the cookie jar.
And in doing so, in keeping the cookie in the cookie jar, you learn about yourself.
You can be the one night stand with the pro football player, or the mistress to the millionaire investor, but guess what? It’s short lived and at the end of the day, he’s either going home to continue his search for more or he already has a woman who loves him, who cares about his ambitions and his past and his history and his vision and his dreams and his injuries and his heartbreak and his emotions and his concerns and his life … who cares about HIM … Not the size of his milk jug and his pocket book.
But if you can stomach that, and know that what you have to offer isn’t his cup of tea, shot of whiskey or anything BUT a "wam-bam thank you ma’am" kind of time, then let your freak flag fly … but let’s get deep for a minute … Are you truly going to be ok with that? … That’s what you need to ask yourself the next time you have the opportunity to say no to whatever cookie you're being expected to give freely because for me, I want more.
And when you DON’T give up the cookie, guess what happens? More.
You either one, fall deeper or have a real connection with the person you are DATING, or two, you walk away, no problem. With no regret. No suffering. No questioning. No what ifs or shoulda, coulda, wouldas because when you DON’T give up the cookie, or wait to give up the cookie until it truly feels right, you earn respect. You create mystery. You make memories along the way and instill an imagination in your partner’s mind that makes him want to know more ... Makes him want to learn you and learn WITH you and understand you and build with you. And ultimately, he now cares about you … your feelings, your ambitions, your dreams, your fears … you’ve now created a REAL intimacy.
I unintentionally waited 90 days before getting intimate with a guy I care about and guess what? He stuck around. And not a day went by where he lost my interest. Whether it evolves or not is besides the point. The point is, he still wanted a bite of the cookie and for as long as you let the cookie stay in the jar, the longer you’ll keep him interested and when he’s interested, he makes an effort and when you make an effort, it means you want something and when you want something, you’ll do anything to get it and over time, if you want something long enough, you have the ability to obtain it, touch it, squeeze it, love it and fall for it long-term. And that’s what the 90-day rule taught me.
Steve Harvey wrote the book Think Like A Man and spoke of the “90 day (til you give up the cookie) rule" and after reading it, I thought I would try it. Unintentionally, I did, and I have to tell you, at 25 years old, I am AMAZED at what it taught me … about my patience, my ability to stay true to who I am and my thoughts on what it takes to keep him interested.
Again, no judgement, no assumptions, no worries. This post is just a thought about the 90-day rule and if you're at a point in your life where you're questioning why men won't stick around, consider how soon you give them the opportunity to leave. Sometimes less is more and you certainly deserve more.